By David Hoff
(May 16, 2025)

In today’s world of sports, we live in a time where offensive innovators and defensive geniuses are held in high regard for their abilities. There are coaches all over the country trying to imitate many of the concepts and ideas these offensive and defensive coaches have implemented. However, a big part of coaching is the non-X’s and O’s parts of the game, the building of relationships with the players we coach. I have spent the last 36 years as a high school teacher, hockey coach, and track & field coach, and spent the last nine years as the head coach of the United States Paralympic Sled Hockey Team.  Building strong relationships with the students I teach and the athletes I coach is something that I feel is extremely important. When a player knows that I care about them more as a person than I do as a player, the opportunity to help them learn and develop skills improves dramatically.  And while improving as a player is very important to them, they also want to be valued for who they are outside sports.

The people part of coaching can be very challenging with a lot of different personalities in our locker rooms. I often think when I walk into a locker room that there are individuals in that locker room with whom it is easy to build a relationship, but there are also individuals in that locker room with whom it is difficult to build a relationship. The challenge in coaching is that it is our job to build a relationship with everyone in that locker room, not just the easy ones. I think this is an overlooked part of coaching. Let’s be honest, it is easy in sports to get caught up in recognizing excellence. Therefore, it’s often easier to strike up a conversation with a player who plays a lot or is one of the top scorers than it is with someone who might not provide as much statistical value to the team. Players who score or play more often feel good about their perceived status on the team and consequently receive more attention from coaches. It also isn’t easy to have a conversation with a player who has not played as much or scored as much as others have in a game. Some of these players don’t feel they are as valued in that locker room as other players, and thus, the conversations aren’t always easy.

However, a relationship must be based on more than conversations centered around the abilities or statistical value of a player. We must be able to hold a conversation with each of these players about what is going on in their daily lives. In my case, I must know the players I coach as more than just hockey players. I must be able to talk about more than hockey with these players. A very simple question to ask each player as often as possible is, “How was your day today?” Each of us can probably imagine some of the answers we would get from our players if we asked this question. Some players would share at length the details of their day, while others would struggle to use more than one word to summarize how their day had gone to this point.

The key for us is to consistently ask this question and be genuine when doing so.  It must matter to us how our players are doing each day. Many of the athletes we coach lack someone who consistently shows a genuine interest in their daily lives. They want to play for someone who cares about them. They want to matter to their coach. I would encourage anyone interested in improving at building relationships to ask that simple question to each of their players each day they see them. Consistently taking an interest in the daily lives of our players is one of the cornerstones of a strong relationship. And if we can ask this question consistently, and we can do so genuinely, we will all be amazed at how much longer some of those answers will get from some of those hard-to-reach individuals. Why? Because when they know someone cares about them as a person, trust is gained, and the ability to have meaningful conversations increases.

I have set goals and worked hard to get better at several of the essential communication skills. I want to listen better. In doing so, I want to listen to understand, not just to give a reply. I want to understand what is said and what is implied. I want to be present in the conversations I am having with the players I coach. I want to know more about the players I coach so I can ask them for updates in future conversations. I want players to feel like they matter to me. All these skills require a lot of practice to get better, but are a big part of genuinely caring about the players I coach. Players will “run through a wall” for a coach who they feel believes in them, so my opportunity to help them learn and develop their skills will be a by-product of this work.

Doing all of this does not mean that there won’t be some tough times with players with whom I have built a strong relationship, but when a relationship is built on qualities such as trust, honesty, and respect, there is a much better opportunity for the player and me to work through the tough times that arise. Much like the relationship parents have with their kids, both sides are more apt to work through issues where they disagree if both sides feel respected. The balancing act for coaches is to build trust with our players through consistency, to be honest with them in our conversations, to show them the respect they deserve, and to genuinely care about them, all while setting high standards and holding them accountable when they sneak under the bar rather than sliding over it.

I believe that if I establish strong relationships based on life outside sports with the players I coach, then I have a chance to help them learn better. I have a chance to help them develop as a person and as a player. When these players feel valued as people, they don’t want to let us down. They will spend more time trying to learn, and they will work harder than normal trying to master the skills and concepts on which we are working. They will do so because we have helped them feel good about themselves. It is amazing how “feeling valued” encourages athletes to work harder and harder, and consequently helps them achieve more than they ever anticipated. The same goes for all of us, whether it is in sports or our daily lives.

Building relationships is a big part of coaching. Maybe it’s not the cool or trendy part of coaching, but it will matter more to the players we coach for their entire lives if we do it well. We should all strive to provide consistency, build trust, speak honestly, show respect, be genuinely interested in our players’ daily lives, and work extremely hard to make each of our players feel valued. If we do this, we will develop life-long relationships that will make a difference in our players’ lives, not just for the season in which we coach them. All coaches should strive to be the reason each of our players feels good about themselves each day!