By Rory Weishaar
(September 21, 2022)
When I was an athletic administrator, one of the most important things I coached my middle school and high school coaches was to use the word “consequence” instead of “punishment” when dealing with student-athlete discipline. As a way of behavior control, it makes the most sense to avoid the word “punishment” because of its perceptual connotation. In addition, I coached them that consequences for players’ poor behaviors should be handled out of sight and earshot from their peers. (Keep in mind that there may be behaviors so egregious they have to be handled right away in front of others.)
I met with coaches ahead of their seasons to discuss the fight-or-flight psychology of human nature. When negatively chastised in front of other athletes about a behavior issue, middle school or high school athletes will often have the “fight response” because they are embarrassed. This can only escalate the situation and is the opposite of behavior control. For example, at a practice session, I saw a coach get upset during a scrimmage because a younger player, who was not in on the scrimmage, kept joking with another player trying to get him to laugh. I could tell the coach was getting annoyed and he yelled out, “Quiet!” to hopefully get the non-participant to focus. Finally, the coach couldn’t take it and he stopped the practice, so now all attention was on his actions. He walked angrily over to the player and screamed in his face, “Is what you are doing over here more important than your team preparing for the next game?”
I could tell the youth was embarrassed and visibly shaken by the encounter and the silent peering visage of the entire team. At that moment it was either fight or flight for the athlete, and he chose the former. He replied, “Well if it was ‘my team’ preparing for the next game, it might be important to liven things up a bit.” You can imagine the challenge the coach faced at that moment in front of a team eager to see his reaction.
The fight response can also happen when coaches meet with athletes for discipline reasons. The word “punishment” can make the athletes (or parents if they are in the meeting) perceive something punitive in nature. They immediately become guarded and ready for the fight about to come. As most coaches and ADs know, this is also the time when the lies and challenges come out: “I didn’t do it,” “It wasn’t me,” “Those aren’t the facts,” and “You can’t prove it;” all said because the athlete does not want to be punished. And these days the parents seem to back their children (my perception) no matter what the facts may be. (A professor of mine used to tell me that when it comes to discipline remember this: “Student and parents’ perceptions are rock solid; the truth is debatable.”)
In terms of perception and behavior control, the discipline meeting of a coach with an athlete should always remain calm and conversation-like. When the athlete walks through the office door, the coach should get up and greet them calmly and with positive connectedness. We used “small talk” to create calm because the athlete probably knew the reason for the meeting and may be ready to “fight.” The ideal script would go as follows:
Coach: Hey “Sam,” nice to see you today (handshake). Why don’t you go ahead and have a seat.
Athlete: Hey, coach…okay.
Coach: I liked how you played last weekend. You are doing some good things for us. Especially_______________.”
Athlete: Thanks, coach.
Coach: You bet! Hey, I brought you in today because of a behavior concern. Can you tell me about _________________ that happen the other day?
Athlete: Oh, do mean the thing that’s going around about _______________?
Coach: Yeah. Can you to share your thoughts about that?
[If the athlete shares his thoughts, and is truthful – if not, the coach can ask more specific questions that lead to the incident].
Athlete: Yeah, I was part of what happened, and I apologize, coach.
Coach: Thanks for being honest, “Sam.” You know I appreciate that and respect how you are handling this situation. Because behaviors have consequences so we can learn from our actions, the consequence for what happened is ___________________. Knowing and respecting you, especially with how you came in here and told me everything, we will get through this together and put it behind us. Okay? [Reach for handshake and as the athlete is leaving…] How do you think our team played the other day, “Sam?” Do you feel like we made some improvements? [Small talk as the athlete leaves, or even better walk with the athlete down the hallway.]
Of course, the above is how we’d all like to see discipline meetings go. Outcomes will vary, but the most important message I told coaches was to keep calm, be friendly, and don’t use the word “punishment” during a discipline meeting. It’s the opportunity for education, not accusation.
