By Mike Herbert
(March 23, 2022)

As a former coach and now athletic administrator and parent, I have a unique and compassionate view of how hard a coach’s job really is. There is a lot of time and effort on the part of a coach that no one ever really sees and most don’t even know exists. Many coaches are paid very low stipends, and in youth sports many coaches are volunteers, so it can be a thankless job. Coaches do not coach for the money, they do it for the kids, and quite honestly they are also doing it for their families.

Coaches can play an integral part in the development of any child. Working in collaboration with the parents and families of the kids you are coaching is extremely important for everyone’s success. Clear expectations, developing coach-parent relationships, and teaching both parents and athletes how to communicate are key to the overall success of a team. These things have nothing to do with athletic skill development; they have to do with helping our kids become good people and positive contributors to our society. 

Transparency: Set Clear Expectations

Every coach has goals and expectations for their team, but do they communicate those expectations clearly to their athletes and their parents? A coach needs to establish what their goals are for the season and share their coaching philosophy. Youth sports coaches should have a goal of developing all the kids, having fun, and teaching kids how to compete. Winning and losing do not define success or failure in sports, but this concept needs to be explained to parents. Kids participate because they want to learn, have fun, and be around their friends.

Most sports organizations whether it is a local youth league or a high school athletic department will have a philosophy and guiding principles. These need to be used as an overview for any coach working on their goals for the season. Many coaches will sit down with their team and develop personal and team goals that everyone agrees upon. This is a great way to start the discussion with your team about what they want to get out of the season. Once these goals and expectations have been developed, they need to be shared with the parents. 

Pre-season meetings with parents and athletes should be mandatory in your youth sports organization or teams. Clearly explaining your philosophy and what your goals are for the season to the parents while the athletes are in the room is the best way to make sure everyone knows the expectations. For example, if you expect your athletes to be on time and someone is late, then there needs to be a consequence. Accountability is a great lesson to learn at a young age, and a coach’s role, similar to a parent, is to hold kids accountable when they do not follow a rule or meet a set expectation.

Mutual Respect: Develop Coach-Parent Relationships

Not all parents have the same parenting style, but there are a lot of very good parents out there. The same can be said for coaches. There are always going to be exceptions to the rule, but the majority of parents are great people who are only looking out for their child’s best interest. Sometimes parents can be perceived as overbearing, and maybe they are, but it typically comes from a good place. A coach needs to understand that the relationship they build with parents is just as important as the relationship they have with the kids on their team.

Healthy mutual respect must be afforded between coach and parent regardless of any true feelings. There are certain topics of conversation that do not need to take place between a parent and child; your job as a coach is to help parents understand that same concept. For example, a parent who believes their child should be playing more should not complain to their child, they should reach out to the coach and express their concerns. Parents who made negative comments about a coach to their child just put their child in an awkward position between both adults. Coaches should have a set protocol for parents to reach out and ask questions or express concerns. Simply letting parents know that they can come and talk to the coach is the first step in building mutual respect. Similar to a school teacher, coaches should be accessible via phone or in person at appropriate times, but those appropriate times need to be outlined before the season begins.

Approaching a coach about playing time in an angry tone immediately following a contest is obviously not a good idea, but if I as a parent have not been told in advance to specifically email and set up an appointment when I have concerns I may resort to this type of behavior. Letting parents know that a coach is willing to listen is very important in building trust in a relationship. The same approach applies to parents. Parents need to know they are allowed to share their concerns, but as a coach, you are in charge, and you may have to tell parents they are wrong. Parents don’t always have to like what they hear, but as a coach, you must be able to professionally express your point of view and have a reason why you are doing what you are doing. 

Communication: Help Athletes Communicate with their Parents and their Coach

The triangle of communication can tear a team or a family apart. If a child doesn’t get the ice cream they want from mom but goes to dad and he says yes then we are going to have some major problems in the house. The adults need to be on the same page. Not only will this cause issues between the adults, but it will also cause issues of trust between the child and the adult. If a kid comes to practice and says: ‘My dad says I should be playing more or I am better than the other kids,’ this can be extremely confrontational. How a coach reacts can make it worse or it could completely defuse the situation. 

A coach should never overreact. Staying calm is the key to making sure you are listening to your athletes and to their parents. Listening is the key to building any relationship because even if in the end you don’t agree, you have shown respect by taking the time to listen. Parents should not be putting kids in the middle of a dispute such as playing time in a game, but parents might be saying that to help build up their child’s confidence. Keep in mind that most parents have their child’s best interests in mind and are there to offer positive support.

Setting a clear expectation at the start of your season asking parents not to talk to their kids about their personal feelings towards the coach may curb most issues, but not all of them. If one of your athletes tells you that their parents have said something negative about them, you should simply respond by reminding them that their parents should reach out to you directly. Remind your athletes that they do not need to be in the middle of any dispute, but also ask the athlete if they feel the same way and would they like to talk about their point of view. 

How a parent reacts to their child’s complaints is just as important. Help your parents by letting them know that if their child comes home with a complaint about their coach, they should call and confirm the issue at hand. As a parent, it is important to get all the facts before accusing the coach of something. The coach should communicate with the parents if their child expresses frustration with playing time and suggest they make an appointment to talk about it. When children grow up to be adults, they should not ask their parents to call their boss if their boss is mean to them, so why not let athletics teach us how to handle uncomfortable situations. Athletics is the safest place to fail as a child; let them fail and continue to support them. Remember, you are coaching someone else’s most important commodity, their child. Handle with care, communicate with the parents, and listen.