By Mike Herbert
(October 19, 2021)
As a coach, it can be a daunting task to think about the best way to communicate with the parents of student-athletes you are coaching. We hear horror stories about crazy parents who are overbearing and blame the coach every time something goes wrong with the team, but that is not the norm. The majority of parents are great people trying to navigate the best way to support their kids while also keeping them safe. Since a parent’s instinct is to protect their children from anything that might harm them, a coach needs to remember that parents typically have their hearts in the right place. The key to a healthy coach-parent relationship is being optimistic about interacting with parents and believing they have good intentions. The following strategies can help coaches build a rapport with parents.
Build buy-in: Some coaches may want to keep parents at a distance, but the best way to work with parents is to get them to buy into what you are doing. Have them volunteer to do the scorebook, bring snacks, or coordinate team functions. A good coach will build a relationship with the student-athlete and the family with the goal of building a larger community of support around the team. In order to do this, the coach needs to communicate early about the expectations and the goals for the team and each individual on the team. Parents want their kids to be safe, so coaches need to explain how they will keep kids safe while also helping them develop their skills.
Defining expectations: Expectations and consequences must be clearly defined at the beginning of the season with both the athletes and the parents. Depending on the level of competition some of these expectations may come from the sports organization such as the YMCA or the school that is organizing the team. Having clear and reasonable expectations will help parents and athletes understand the boundaries to be successful.
Put your ego aside: The most insecure coaches struggle to explain their actions to anyone. The best coaches can explain exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it. Being open and honest with parents is the best form of communication and even though the parent may not agree with you, it is the best course of action. Parents and coaches need to be on the same page as each other, they can disagree in private, but when they come back to discuss with the child it needs to be a united effort. Putting a child in the middle of a disagreement is the worst possible thing a parent or coach can do for a child.
Establish guidelines for communicating: Coaches and parents must first agree that there is an appropriate time and place to discuss sensitive or difficult topics. Some coaches have adopted a 24 hour cooling-off period after a contest before a parent can contact them to discuss any concerns. However, there are times when a parent may have a sensitive topic that requires immediate discussion, because someone’s safety may be at hand. As a coach, let parents know that if they want to discuss an urgent concern with a coach they should quietly wait until practice or a contest has concluded to ask if they can discuss something in private with the coach.
Handle with care: Coaches may actually tell parents before the season ends to simply text them a code word to let them know they need to talk about something sensitive. For example, a coach could ask parents to simply send a message, like “handle with care today,” so that they are aware there might be something bothering their child. Coaches and teachers don’t always need to know details right away but being aware that something is coming is far easier to handle than being blindsided after a game. Once a parent asks for a meeting with the coach, it is important that the adults be aware of the ‘Circle of Care’ for the child. Kids do not need to be involved in the initial conversation when a parent is questioning their child’s playing time. A coach may argue that parents don’t have a right to ask about playing time for any reason, but a good coach should be able to explain why a child is playing or not playing.
Ground Rules: A parent and coach meeting needs to also have some ground rules. Meetings should have clear guidelines such as length of time (e.g., 30 minutes or less) and before the meeting takes place there should be communication as to why the meeting is taking place. For example: if a coach is asking to meet with parents, the coach should let the parents know they would like to meet to discuss their son’s behavior at practice. If a parent is requesting a meeting with a coach, they should clearly state they would like to discuss why their child was benched in the previous game.
Respect everyone: Set clear guidelines to respect each other’s point of view; by listening to both sides and agreeing ahead of time that they may not be able to come to an agreement, the coach and parent can avoid further conflict. Parent/Coach meetings are stressful and can cause a lot of anxiety for all involved, but if we go into the meeting with an open mind and the child’s well-being as the top priority then it can be a productive meeting. Regardless of the long-term outcomes, it is always important for a coach to listen and not make any quick decisions.
Listen and Offer Support: The best advice for a coach when a parent requests a meeting is to simply listen. Many times, parents just want to share how they are feeling and their child’s experience through their eyes. A coach needs to hear this information and work to understand everyone’s point of view without feeling attacked or getting defensive. The final piece is to simply ask a parent, “What can I do to help?” Many times the coach cannot meet a parent’s request, but they need to let the parent know they are willing to listen and then take some time to think about how we can make things better for their child.
In sum, it is important that the coach communicates early and often, establishes some guidelines, and respects the parent’s points of view. Instead of assuming parents are out to get them, the coach should think the best of others and focus on the positive thing, not dwelling on the negative. In the end, the coach’s first priority should always be the kids, so keep this in mind when building rapport with parents and we will continue to provide our kids with the best opportunities for success.
